If I had a quid for everytime someone had said that, well I wouldn’t be teaching the collective devil’s spawn about Jane Austen, that’s for sure.

The Times reports that, under the Tories and blathering, bike-riding, blogging ( and other words beginning with B) David Cameron, teachers could be encouraged to start up their own schools. Are they insane? I mean literally, have they spent too long looking for the plums in their throats and the frogs in their heads – or whatever – that they’ve forgotten what a miserable bunch we all are? I can’t think of anything worse than seeing a school run by some of the cretins that grace our staffroom.

The head here is good actually – a moderately inspired chap with the brains to get the limitations we’re working with, but the balls to try anyway. He runs a pretty good school – (according to Ofsted, though what do they really know and that’s a whole other conversation) – but it doesn’t mean you should let someone else who thinks they can do better ‘have a go’. This isn’t putting together Ikea furniture, or trying to fix the broken video.

Save me from self; please someone. Save me. Today I was subjected to a half an hour diatribe about the benefits of banning mobile phones – by the head of technology. Words fail me. They still do. It’s just a bloody phone, it’s not a bomb, or a knife, or a gun. They can’t get high on it, or use it to take someone’s eye out, they can’t really actually use it cheat in exams. In fact it’s quite good at entertaining them with mindless computer games during breaks, which saves my ears from the constant playground screaming and yelling we used to endure, before technology woke the hell up and saved us all.

 And now, Mr Technology himself has suggested that we need to take them away from the pupils. Clever, really clever, and forward thinking. Great.

I guess in the end I’ve just had enough. Teaching was always something I wanted to do, and in essence I still do. I mean, the kids I still love – well, most of them – actually to be honest after this morning’s lesson/renactment of WWII I’m less enamoured. It’s true what they say about children’s names, Jacks and Ambers are ALWAYS trouble. Having to prise a pair of blunt, round-edged scissors from both of their violently waving hands this morning wasn’t exactly why I got into teaching; it’s become a bit more like crowd control recently. Thank god I don’t work in a secondary school, the scissors there actually cut stuff – doesn’t bear thinking about.

But honestly; the rest of it? The endles, endless reams of initatives, red tape, budget cuts – it just doesn’t feel like it used to. It’s more like ‘playing ‘ at teaching, I mean I stand at the front of the class, pressing buttons on a whiteboard (actually that bit is fun); but I don’t think anyone is actually listening anymore. So I’m turning my attention to a virtual audience I can’t see, you lot.

Perhaps you’ll listen…..

I teach at RedTape High. (No really, I do). And while I love the little cherubs who delight me every morning with their heart warming stories of teenage pregnancy and homework stolen by their dealer; and my wonderful colleagues whose halitosis breath always ensures I’m awake (and suitably nauseous) at the staff meeting; and the inspired powers that be, whose various initiatives have over the years served to wear down any possibility I had of still caring about anything, I decided it was time to take action.

So, in attempt to stem the tide of bile and general dissatisfaction with everything in education that threatens to take over my sanity at any given second, I have instead decided to ‘Blog It Out’. I think that is the official term. And it’s important to use the official term. If there was one, the catchy governmental acronym for this particular solution to my problem would most likely be B.I.O.

I expect there would be a government white paper on it; some big press releases about the promised billions of pounds of funding (which would later be rescinded); and some well-staggered and completely unrealistic targets to aim for as well. Various ‘education giants’ would bring out expensive software to manage the problem, there would be a website www.bioandyou.gov.uk; and it would be front page news on The Sun for about five minutes, until Jordan took her top off again; or they switched to supporting the BNP.

Yes, I have great hopes for Blogging It Out. It surely will hold the key to my sanity. Something has to.