This made me laugh. A school consultant went into a school and asked the staff to list the schools rules. Not one of them could. This was partly because there were nearly 40 of them. It was also because everyone knows that there are two types of school rules. The ones written down in the school handbook. And the ones you personally make up for your classroom (and own personal survival).

For instance:

• All girls called Amber are brats; do not ever give them homework extensions, because they’ll take advantage and you’ll have to fail them. And then their mothers will come in and tell you you know nothing about teaching. (This has happened a total of three times now).
• Also be wary of Vickis, Dillons, Leons and Louises….
• Opening all the windows in the middle of winter is the only way to get the attention of the tramps girls who sit at the back of the class, ignoring you and painting their nails.
• Trying to discuss football with your class will only make you look stupid. Colin Firth might have managed it in Fever Pitch. But he’s not real.
• If you have spent a lot of time putting together a great whiteboard presentation, it will break and die at the crucial moment. Always have paper back ups. Always.

We have been on Every Child Matters overdrive here recently; more initiatives, projects and meetings than they have in Westminster. And that’s all they do in Westminster. Endless chatter.

So you would hope now that all our pupils are safe, healthy, financially secure, full of wellbeing and full of joyful achievement. They might well be; I don’t know anymore because the sheer effort means I now need some sort of government sanctioned intervention.

How would it go?

“Every Teacher Matters: A Vision for Elite Teaching”

Be Healthy: Every teacher has the right to have time to eat their lunch without being interrupted by visits from parents, or ad hoc checks from the head.

Stay Safe: Every teacher has the right not to be kicked, tripped, attacked with paper balls or sworn at. They should also be protected from the irate caretaker at all times.

Enjoy and Achieve: Teachers should not be made to see spots of white rage before 1oam; teaching should involve pleasurable things, like time away from the pupils, hours of silence and achieveable goals, such as getting home on time.

Make a positive contribution:  Teachers shouldn’t have so much pressure. Any contribution will do, however small. Give someone an A. Tell their parents they’re doing well at physics. Lie if you have to. But don’t sweat it.

Economic wellbeing: Bonuses should be paid for every child that doesn ‘t end up illiterate, pregnant or in jail. Golden hanshakes sound nice too.

At a desperate loss for inspiration this morning, (last night there might have been some marking, some reports, some crashing of a certain not to be named laptop, and a small instance of temper losing). So I am defaulting to the genius of someone else who feels as passionately confused, frustrated and excited by education as me….and interrogating the hell out of them. Sort of.
 
Ben Barton has been in educational publishing for the past 18 years; he’s started a couple of companies, worked for large organisations and now consults and enthuses about all things education. He’s been working as a tutor and teaching assistant for the past couple of years; and he has a great blog called: www.keystone-education.co.uk/blog.

So, Ben, what excites you about education?
What really excites me is how technology can move our students on further and faster than at any time before. I’m also excited about the New Primary Curriculum, www.teachmeet.org and a generation of teachers who are better trained and more visionary than at anytime before.
 
And what concerns you?
What really concerns me as we enter an election campaign is the fact that while we expect teachers to be experts we plainly have generalists at the head of our education system. Be it David Laws, Ed Balls or Michael Gove at the DCSF we haven’t got an expert, merely a career politician on the way up or down. I think we should go the USA route and allow the PM to hire the best of the best to support our teachers.
 
What one thing could the government do to improve the state of education today?
Free laptop for every 11 year old as they arrive at secondary school. If we swapped this for the Children’s Trust Fund we would save millions and put EVERY child on a level playing field at secondary school. Oh yes, and get rid of Grammar Schools. Pay for education if you can afford it but please, please dont judge children at 11.
 
What has been the most important technological advance for schools?
Whiteboards have been useful but I think the use of the digital camera is the most important because its the most ubiquitous and has brought simple technology to classes across the UK. The visual element is critical and digital cameras alllow students to become artists, movie-makers and really helps their writing.
 
And what about the most pointless?
I am sceptical about VLEs. My son uses one to upload his homework and its the most unfriendly and out-dated system going. Where central government tries to manage an individual school’s software (through ‘approved’ suppliers) it goes against community, autonomy and pragmatism.
 
What would you do if you were education secretary for a day?
Give out a load of laptops.

thanks WonderfullyWacky.com

So, teaching is to become a more elitist profession?! Don’t make me laugh. The profession is already worryingly elitist. Filled with self-involved teachers who not only set themselves above their colleagues but above parents, kids and government ministers (though that one I understand).

It’s been a long time since I’ve heard a teacher say they’ve got anything to learn. But they’re so busy ‘teaching’ aren’t they?

The Tories keep on throwing more crazy, unresearched crap at us – for a vision of education that doesn’t even make sense. As far as I can tell we will have schools run by parents, teaching only certain subjects that Micheal Gove deems good quality, and there will be a new breed of elitist, Masters educated teachers – who will work where exactly? They’re not good enough to work in the crappy schools being taken over by parents (who of course can do so much better, because everyone can do better when they’re not actually in charge.)

So the future of education is a series of out of work elitist teachers. Of course. Makes total sense.

thanks flickosopher.com

Monday:A massive headache onset, followed by a twisted ankle as I managed the rampaging bus queue, topped off with a massive case of sneezing as I drove home, subsequently almost hitting a wall.

Tuesday: To be or not to be – Hamlet with Year 11 and a SEAL co-ordinator turned into an amazing lesson on revenge and honour…working with at least five kids who had gang-related allengiances made for a pretty intetresting hour.

Wednesday: That lull of awfulness that hits midweek was further exacerbated by a looming parents evening.

Thursday: Meeting with my newest recruit who used words like ‘inspired’ and ‘motivated to lead the learning’. Christ help us all.

Friday: Ducking out of a staff meeting to write this, and enjoying the free doughnuts and cup of real coffee, provided by my new recruit, trying to curry favour. It’s totally working.

…just a little something I wanted to share with you all, courtesy of the ever hilarous News Biscuit.

The accompanying news story reads: “Yoda has overcome his demons and passed an exam in GCSE English. The pint-sized Jedi had long struggled to formulate sentences properly, meaning that he had failed the test aimed at 16 year olds no less than 728 times. Yoda received his GCSE result last week but wanted to keep the achievement quiet in order to avoid a fuss. ‘I just want to carry on like normal,” said Yoda today, “I really don’t want to draw any attention to this, I am like, ok, I’ve done this, I’ve passed, let’s move on. There are far more important things to be dealing with, such as the rebel alliance and that troublesome Darth Vader.’”

There’s nothing like the smell of bad taste humour on a Friday morning.

Genius.

Thanks Flickr

Ah, another day, another ridiculous idea from the silly men in nice suits. New teachers are to be tested on their desk side manner, apparently.

 According to the BBC tests will be done to ascertain whether teachers have the “empathy, understanding and passion to ensure they have the qualities to be a good teacher.”

 Every new teacher is positively brimming with empathy, understanding and passion – at least for the first week or so, until the great machine of educational doom sucks the lifeblood from them and leaves them the same as their more experienced colleagues. Brow beaten, defeated and really pissed off. These traits do not a good bedside manner make.

 The test will be done not with actual children of course, but with a range of ‘on-screen questions’; a foolproof plan surely?

 When confronted with a screaming child, do you:
a) run away

b) try to calm the child down

c) quit your job.

 You answered b? Well done, you may now progress to a real classroom for you are ready to inspire young learners.

 This is classic, classic ignorant crap. You are testing a teacher’s ability to empathise with, understand and show compassion to children – without actually exposing them to any children. Genius, pure unbridled genius that is.

Have been pondering the whole Gordon Brown Bullygate scenario; and am marvelling at how these various Downing Street employees are behaving. They wouldn’t survive ten minutes in one of my classrooms.

So far this week I have been called a ‘tosser.’ I have had Terrible Tilly’s Dad yelling at me about my deplorable standards. (I could tell him a thing or two about standards, personal hygiene standards); and watched as one of our more ‘challenging’ pupils threw a laptop at another pupil cos “‘e dissed me, innit.”

I shall be calling the National Bullying Helpline forthwith, I do hope the founder also intervenes on my behalf. I’m sure she will; it’s not like there was some sort of larger government agenda there is it?

I had a nightmare last night; a group of parents were petitioning to run one of the schools in our borough. Actually, it wasn’t a nightmare so much as a staff meeting I dosed off in. Supposedly – if the Tories get in - parents can bid to take over underperforning schools. This has really put the wind up some of my colleagues, especially the head, who is now concerned that everyone will discover the deep levels of her gross incomptence.

I am worried too. The thought of some of the parents we deal with running a school is more ludicrous that the misconception that  Katie Price is actually a savvy businesswoman….they’re boobs, and she’s common, she speaks to the majority of Britain today. It doesn’t make here savvy or businessminded, it makes her ordinary. End of.

Anyway, sorry, boobs aside, this entire plan stinks of classic politics: it’s very easy to think you can do better when you’re not in control and not answerable to anybody. I can’t even politely suggest to some of our parents that they could help with homework without getting an earful; how will they manage when someone criticises their position on the league tables. It’ll be tears before bedtime.

I attempted to enter civilisation last week. I joined Facebook with a private account. It’s taken six days and already ten of my pupils have tried to befriend me.

This is most alarming. They already think i’m a loser, what happens when I fail to post lots of pictures of my *raging* nights out and they discover that i do infact spend most of my nights sitting at home with Horlicks and  episodes of Silent Witness?

And, equally, I really don’t want to see pictures of three of my female students drunk off their faces with their tongues out. It creates all sort of unnerving visual flashbacks in the class the next day when I’m trying to get them to talk about iambic pentameter and I realise how much they must pity me and my tragic life.

On a more serious level though, I do wonder about the proliferation of Facebook at schools; i’ve heard of at least three teachers who have been ‘victims’ of pretty serious hate groups about them on the Facebook; that’s gotta be hard to take…