Frankenstein. The bane of my year twelve’s lives at the moment. They’ve been forced to study Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein – forced by me. Mainly because it’s on the syllabus, and I’m very good at following orders, but also because it’s actually quite a good study in gothic literature and that is our theme du jour.

The lesson of the moment was actually going rather well, they were in groups, working on different elements of the gothic and putting together presentations (using a great resource I got from here). I was rather proud, the classroom was alive with the hum of happy students, enjoying the time to pretend to work and actually talk about Casey’s jailbait boyfriend, or whether they were going to vote for Stacey or Jo at the weekend.

Then, disaster; one of the ass(istant) heads walks in. “Random observation, keep going, ignore me.” The class fell silent. They kids began to whisper and sigh and glare at me. I tried some resounding humour and encouraging, motivational grunts, which didn’t work. Then the observatron stood up: “Dan, a word please. What’s the SEAL agenda for this lesson?” Eeerrrm, I struggle around like a flopping fish inside my empty brain trying to find a way to link social, emotional and behavioural issues with the key themes of the eighteenth century Gothic novel. I fail.

“The, err, responsibility of, err, people to, ummm, not create monsters in society?”

“Fine,” she says. Turns on her heel and leaves the classroom.  WTF? I don’t even know what ‘not creating monsters in society’ that means. Does she? Proof again that SEAL is a in actuality a fat sea mammal and NOT a legitimate way to teach the kids to behave better.

I do wonder sometimes if our overly litigious and health and safety mad society is leaking into my classroom ever further.

Today a classic example – Jenny drop her apple juice on the floor; not that I mind that much, full as it was off E-numbers and too much sugar. As my TA goes to clear it up, Jenny’s supposed best friend this week, Casey, says, clear as a bell: “Ummm, you should clear that up. If someone falls over on it and it’s not their fault they can get compostation.”

I believe she means compensation. And I also believe she has been watching too much mid-week, mid-day TV, the kind littered with those Accident and Injury adverts.

Telling this story later in the staffroom leads to this pearl of wisdom from the deputy head. “Obviously you need to select a health and safety monitor, one of the pupils, to keep an eye on the other pupils.” Ok then, one scrappy seven year old telling another scrappy seven year old what to do; I forsee trouble.

I guess in the end I’ve just had enough. Teaching was always something I wanted to do, and in essence I still do. I mean, the kids I still love – well, most of them – actually to be honest after this morning’s lesson/renactment of WWII I’m less enamoured. It’s true what they say about children’s names, Jacks and Ambers are ALWAYS trouble. Having to prise a pair of blunt, round-edged scissors from both of their violently waving hands this morning wasn’t exactly why I got into teaching; it’s become a bit more like crowd control recently. Thank god I don’t work in a secondary school, the scissors there actually cut stuff – doesn’t bear thinking about.

But honestly; the rest of it? The endles, endless reams of initatives, red tape, budget cuts – it just doesn’t feel like it used to. It’s more like ‘playing ‘ at teaching, I mean I stand at the front of the class, pressing buttons on a whiteboard (actually that bit is fun); but I don’t think anyone is actually listening anymore. So I’m turning my attention to a virtual audience I can’t see, you lot.

Perhaps you’ll listen…..