I am concerned about sex education. From a distance, because obviously I’m not involved in delivering it.  Well, I wasn’t until some bright spark thought up SEAL. (Seriously, who names an important bit of legislative agenda after a fat, blubbery sea animal that claps its fins together and makes comedy honking noises? Really, who? I’d like to know.)

No longer is Social, Emotional and Behavioural Learning – or just ‘good manners, decency and respect’  to you and me – to be taught in tutor time, but now it shall be ‘delivered in every lesson’. At RedTape High we actually have a SEAL agenda for our lessons – for every single lesson. 

Sometimes it’s great; it links in with what we’re working on that day and it does give an extra structure to the classroom. The Colour Purple for instance invovled some genuinely inspiring conversations about race and prejudice and perceptions of colour – and the kids, of many different ethnic origins, were really enagaged: SEAL Agenda 1: Race Relations – tick.

And wierdly, Anthony and Cleopatra created some fascinating discussions about gang culture and the importance of your reputation - actually I was being observed that lesson and I have to say I totally nailed it. I was like Teacher Extraodinaire, linking themes, down with the kids, making them think, it was like something our of Dangerous Minds; though I’m not as hot in a skirt as Michelle Pfieffer.

Anyway, am off topic. The point is it works, but as a man, discussing sex with teenage girls, it’s like a black pit of possible disasters, and the guidance I’m getting is about minimal. Alarmingly minimal.

Frankenstein. The bane of my year twelve’s lives at the moment. They’ve been forced to study Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein – forced by me. Mainly because it’s on the syllabus, and I’m very good at following orders, but also because it’s actually quite a good study in gothic literature and that is our theme du jour.

The lesson of the moment was actually going rather well, they were in groups, working on different elements of the gothic and putting together presentations (using a great resource I got from here). I was rather proud, the classroom was alive with the hum of happy students, enjoying the time to pretend to work and actually talk about Casey’s jailbait boyfriend, or whether they were going to vote for Stacey or Jo at the weekend.

Then, disaster; one of the ass(istant) heads walks in. “Random observation, keep going, ignore me.” The class fell silent. They kids began to whisper and sigh and glare at me. I tried some resounding humour and encouraging, motivational grunts, which didn’t work. Then the observatron stood up: “Dan, a word please. What’s the SEAL agenda for this lesson?” Eeerrrm, I struggle around like a flopping fish inside my empty brain trying to find a way to link social, emotional and behavioural issues with the key themes of the eighteenth century Gothic novel. I fail.

“The, err, responsibility of, err, people to, ummm, not create monsters in society?”

“Fine,” she says. Turns on her heel and leaves the classroom.  WTF? I don’t even know what ‘not creating monsters in society’ that means. Does she? Proof again that SEAL is a in actuality a fat sea mammal and NOT a legitimate way to teach the kids to behave better.